Feeling a Wee Bit Lost

Disclaimer: this shall be an emo post.  If you do not wish to infect your happy spirit with my rambling melancholy, now is the time to click the back button or the Stumble! button.  You have been warned.


I've been feeling a wee bit lost the last few months.  It might even be classified as a quarter-life crisis.  I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I've ALWAYS had something I'm working towards.  First it was walking, then getting a puppy, high school diploma, college diploma, job, and then a wedding.  It's true that my goals right now are house and babies; so, I do still have something I'm working towards.  The rough part is the fact that I HAVE NO IDEA when that is going to happen.  Everything has had a timetable in the past, and suddenly I have only the vaguest idea of when those things might happen. 

I like planning.  I like controlling.  Having no control scares me shit less.  It's unnatural for me.  I've always planned.  I have no plan right now!  The farthest I plan these days is my weekly grocery shopping trip full of coupon deals.  I find myself planning fantasy vacations because it gives me something to plan.  It's most unsettling. 

I love the kids I teach, but I can't really say anymore.  We found out a few months ago that administration has been checking out everyone's social media and I need to be safe rather than sorry.  Some days though, I find myself perusing librarian jobs and baking schools imagining how things might be different if I chose a different path.

I find myself not even trying with my friendships.  I'm resentful that I'm always the one initiating contact.  (Not with you Brenda, I know you are insanely busy so stop worrying).  And in my head I have this ridiculous thought of why should I bother?  Chances are we aren't really that great of friends anyway. 

I've started running again to give me something to work towards.  There is a half marathon in October that I would like to be able to do.  I finished 30 Day Shred and was so over videos that all I've been doing lately is running and, on days I don't run, biking to work.  Again, it's something simple to focus on. 

Right about now you might be thinking "Girl, you are depressed.  Get some happy pills all up in your system!"  Yeah, I don't think I am.  I think I'm just mopey.  I was misdiagnosed as depressed and all my meds did was make me lose most of my emotions (both positive and bummed out) and make me never hungry.  It's just a wave.  This too shall pass.  Though I'm not going to lie, I wish it would hurry its ass up already!